Image is Not enough

PAY THE PIPER

It's taken me eight months, but I finally feel I have found a place and a calling for myself. I live near an economically depressed area, where the store fronts remind me of a third world country, and the drunks sleep if off in their cars all night on main street. What fascinates me about the place is that it's small enough to get to know people and get involved in the vibe of the place. (There is a vibe, but you have to look for it). First of all, there's the community development association, which writes a string of grants to make living there a little easier. Then there's the business community, which is a mixed bag of underfunded and somewhat shabby shops. I guess what I like about the place is that I can jump right in and become a somebody.

My goal is to rent a place in the heart of the community -= a brand new, mixed income housing project called Strength of Place Village. It will house lots of non-whites, iincluding children and pets. I hope I can adapt. And I will continue to stay involved by going to community events, writing articles for the neighborhood blog, and socializing at a bar called "Company". I have met a dynamic young community acitivist who educates me on 'what's happenin" every time we meet.

None of this will happen unless I find some income. I have a very part-time job as a receptionist, which pays not much more than 'mad money'. I hate to have to give up all the fun I've been having in my new life, but reality is fast approaching, and I have to eat and pay rent.

I've always been pretty lucky when it comes to money. Now its time to pay the piper.

HELP ME BREAK A LEG!

I'm actually taking acting classes for the second time in my life. The first time I didn't get any encouragement to look for work in the field. Don't know if I'll get encouragement this time either, but its making my life interesting, challenging, and fun! The type of roles I would be looking for are TV commercials. (Maybe I could be an extra in a crowd scene). Seeing myself on a big TV screen is a little daunting - turkey neck and all. Is there really a future in acting for someone like me? I make a pretty good 'mother', 'aging diva' 'jaded housewife', etc. etc. etc. I remind myself of the role of Martha in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"

Well, it give this aging diva something to look forward to every week. I can hardly wait for the modeling class to begin!

Anyway, I love the classes and the other students and teacher. I especially liked doing improv. (Do we have another SNL candidate here???)

SOME THOUGHTS
I believe I have uncovered something very basic to myself. The tension that is always in my body is due to a deep self rejection, a powerful bias against my innermost self, which I believe is not good enough for me. I believe this is part of the narcissistic personality disorder. It may be why I focus on my outer appearance so much, because the inside is so unacceptable. My goal is to love myself inside as much as the outside.

Apology to my readers:

I have neglected you for months. Seems like maybe all the interesting stuff has been said. I'm on a duller, more normal track these days, just trying to make a living. It occurs to me that all the angst I've lived through and wrote about was just about growing up. Narcissism was a passing phase. And I definitely overdid the psychoanalysis bit, turning the microscope inward to the nth degree, and squirming under its heat. Not a good thing to do to yourself, I think.

So, I'm really pretty normal, but never dull. My imagination keeps me going, and keeps life interesting. I like to vision myself in little scenarios that are fun and exciting. Pure fantasy, nothing more. Tonight I'm a sponsor at a networking event, which means I'll have a table and a sign. Who know what will come out of it? I intend to have fun. Will keep you posted.

WORKSHOP, REVISITED

Its been a while since I gave a workshop. This one was on 'confidence'. One person showed up and we had a nice visit, sharing each other's lives, ambitions, hopes and fears. This is truly what I love to do. I have another private session with a different person scheduled for today, and I look forward to it. I am learning, in these sessions, to listen with my heart. I feel, and hope, that I can connect with my clients and offer them something positive, but I learn from them probably as much as they learn from me. This, and writing, is my work, comeby after many years of starts and stops. I will continue to persue this goal.

BACK TO SQUARE ONE

I've given up training for my customer service job. Too time consuming, too many technical problems. I was a slow learner anyway. Wish I had the writing skills for a real job. But, I'm still looking for some kind of phone work that I can do from home. Got my dog back in the meantime.

Have a date coming up with a guy I met on the plane coming home from Mexico. Not too exciting - I really left my heart in Mexico with the guy I met down there. He claims on Facebook to be in a relationship, but he had told me it "wasn't going anywhere". The good thing about the guy on the plane is that I told him so much about me - I mean the narcissism - and it didn't turn him off. He is pretty evolved for a guy. Meditates and has a certain worldly wisdom about him. We spent the whole plane ride getting to know each other, so its not going to be like a first date.

Things have improved between my daughter, my sister, and I. At least we're talking. My sis and I might go to Mexico together next winter. That would really be a first!

I'm thinking of selling the condo that I rent out and buying another one, in a place I want to live. Its an iffy situation, whether I could muster enough cash to do it. I'm not making any money on the rental, so there's no loss there. Will keep you posted.

HO HUM

Things are pretty routine here. I'm studying 6 hours a day in a class to qualify me for my home based business as a customer service agent for Carnival Cruises. Its different, to be so busy. My dog is with my husband, and I may not be able to keep him with me anymore. I just don't have time to take care of him. And he would mess up the papers I've got scattered all over the room.

Went to my son's award dinner last night of his designation as an expert in his field. It was a long hard process for him to achieve, and I can begin to relate to what he had to go through, now that I am a student again. He told me my experience was good for me, because it keeps my mind active and dementia-free. (Although he added I was already somewhat demented). I also talked to my daughter's boyfriend about my relationship with her. He knows how upset she gets with me, and is protective of her. I told him not to worry, that we will work things out.

I spend so much time alone in my apartment, and this job is not going to help that. Am becoming more fussy on how and with whom I do spend time outside the apartment. Not so willing to go to singles' things. I'm getting too old. So I'm on an online dating site, and found a guy I absolutely adored. Unfortunately, he says he's not available, which could mean anything. I told him to think of me if things change.

I do enjoy my few brief encounters with people I don't know. Yesterday, a guy at the bus stop looked at me and said, "Are you a throwback to Betty Crocker?" When I told the guy at the check-out counter about it, he said: "I think you look very stylish". These are fun moments, and make me want to keep looking for people to engage with. You are my people to engage with in the meantime. I appreciate you.

MEXICO

In the interest of distinguising the title from the body of my posts, I will put it in caps. Thought I should drop a line before I leave Mexico tomorrow. I've been here for eleven days - an escape from the horrible Seattle weather. I'm right on the beach, staying in a modest hotel, with a Canadian woman right next door to chat with. Of course, my preference is to practise my Spanish, not English. So I seek out Mexican hotel staff or guests or peddlers on the beach to engage with me in a little conversation. Some of it I can't understand - some of it I can. I feel I've made a little progress with the language, but not much. I've also been checking out this place for future visits. I think I"ll be down here often. I could actually work from here - did I tell you I'm starting training for a new customer service job I can do from home? All I need is a computer and a dedicated phone line. I want to give myself time to get familiar with the job, iron out any kinks, etc. before trying to do it here. But I'm tentatively thinking about next winter for a longer visit.

Met a very cute Canadian, who happens to be a magician. He sells his act down here in Mexico to whomever will buy. He's 20 years younger than me, so it didn't go anywhere. (That's what I tell myself). But I managed to have a romantic evening with him - first time in a while.

I feel, in a way, that I am 'settling' for the job I am taking. It was never something I pictured myself doing. But after job hunting for several months, I was getting discouraged. The writing jobs for the internet dont pay anything, and they're a lot of work. I have physical limitations on what I can do in a job, as well as older skills, if any. I'm just really not up with the times. So this customer service job from home sounded alright.

Hope I'm not boring you. I've been working on my memoir a bit down here. Will post more of it when I get home. I'll be in touch. Hasta la vista.

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Dear Readers,

I have run out of things to say, for the time being, about the darker side of my life. My news lately has been positive. Things like a job, relationships, etc. There has been improvement in these areas, even though one of you doesn't think I can succeed in the relationship area. I have a close tie to my estranged husband; my daughter and I are getting back together; my sister and I are reconciling; I'm trying to melt the ice with my daughter-in-law, and I'm trying to build a relationship with my eight-month-old granddaughter. So, you see, I am human after all. I am slowly learning my lessons on how to relate to people. Of course, there will be mistakes to come. I'll never get it all right.

I don't know if I can keep you interested in reading as my life becomes more positive. Wasn't it the angst and trauma that hooked you in the first place?

I must say, having a dog to raise has taught me about close relationships, and what they need to flourish. I have so much affection and tenderness for him, that I can springboard into having for my new granddaughter. I am also learning that he needs a firm hand at times, and guidance. I need to be the authority figure. That type of role has never come easy for me - I tended to be either wishy washy or overbearing.

This business of life takes work. But what a joy it is to be learning my lessons - finally. I will continue to write here from time to time. I hope I dom't bore you.

Margaret