I spent the whole day yesterday on my living room couch, half asleep, trying to problem solve my muscle tension and pain. Last night, having come to no conclusion, I went to bed. Slept without dreaming, as far as I know, but this morning, I found the solution. Apparently, my tension is because part of me refuses to go along with the rest of me in forming a whole self. I think that part is my ego. An ego out of balance, a narcissistic ego. My ego took control twice in my life, when I was humiliated by losing status - once in eighth grade and once when I left my family. It has not let me forget those times. They are emblazoned in my psyche and remain there, unresolved.
I think what I need now is a lot of compassion for myself. Compassion for these things that happened to me, that were out of my control. Also, I need to take risks where I feel I might be humiliated. Humility has never been my strong point. Pride goeth before the fall, they say, and I have fallen, fallen, fallen.
These days, I am surprising myself with some of my capabilities - that are actual, not imaginary. I also know that I can't control what people think of me, but I can control what I think of myself. I want to give myself a chance. I believe I have something to offer - at least, to my children. There might be some healing going on, not only in myself, but in my relationships. Compassion is needed all around. With compassion comes the ability to love. Love is the antithesis of narcissism. Amen.
